polar opposites.

it's been a while. 

i finally got a job. i need to get paid saturday cause i've only been paid once and my money is quickly running down. its easy work so i don't mind it and it's only saturdays and sundays. i can't really complain about that.

went to myrtle beach with my family for the fourth of july week. it was fun i guess, lots of drinking. that seems to be the only way i get through things anymore.

moved into my apartment at school last friday. i just moved a few things up since i'm not going to be living there til school starts up again. it's really nice. we had a small party with friends and our new neighbors and i had a good time. i'm actually excited to get back up there. i think i just miss having a schedule.

i have a boyfriend now? i don't know how it happened, especially since we have such a strange and random history together. everyone else seems to be equally confused about it as i am. but he's a nice guy and treats me really well. i don't know why this always happens to me but i'm always excited about a relationship but then when i get to thinking about it i find myself second guessing it. i don't know what i'm afraid of. i really don't mind not being in a relationship, but i don't really like to be alone. i like to have the partnership and someone who i can connect with. the guy that i was with at school randomly texted me today and thats what really got me feeling this way. i guess i'm just at a weird stage in my life? i don't know. i'm confused constantly and i don't have any answers. he's sweet to me and thats all that matters i guess. it also happens to be his birthday today.

so i just saw dave tonight randomly. i guess being together for 3 and a half years never really goes away. we've never even been official he's just been the one i've been with always. he's never fucked me over, he's never asked anything of me. even when we're not a couple it's like we'll still always be a couple. if he never decided to go to california for school he'd be the one. thats what kills me, distance means so much.

the night keeps looking our way.

so i'm back home for summer. have been for about three weeks. pretty lame around here. i've been in philly for a good majority of the time having fun and going on adventures. i really can't wait to move down there in the spring. one more semester at kutztown to live in my ballin apartment and then moving to a ballin city to a less then awesome apartment. but that doesn't really matter to me cause i'll be where i want. i still need a job, it's getting pretty bad i'm barely scraping by. hopefully this changes soon.

i'm currently sitting on my deck basking in the sunlight listening to blink. pretty content right now. heading down to west chester tonight for a litte house warming party, should be fun but i don't know.

slow down you crazy child, you're so ambitious for a juvenile.

i am 5 days and 4 finals away from summer. until i start work, every morning i am going to run and then lay out on my porch and tan and i can't wait. i really will miss being here though, i'll get over it.

i'm super stressed with everything that's been going on. i can't concentrate on my finals because my mind is somewhere else. this boy of course. we've had a crush on each other all year and we've found ourselves meeting up off and on during drunken nights and hooking up. really just mindless but not emotionless. the other night i went to his place and we just laid in bed in the dark and talked and it was just really nice. it showed a different side that i didn't think he had or wanted me to know about. he must be more serious about this than i thought he was because after i left he said his friends and their girlfriends wanted to see me on facebook. so obviously he had to have brought me up. i guess that's good? 

downside, school ends in 5 days to fuck, i need to stop getting attached so easily. 

i can't study for government anymore. i'm going to have a cigarette.

you already know.

i've been having to be super sneaky lately. it's fun but at the same time stressful and complicated. i only have five more days left here at school so i think i can keep it up for that much longer. 

weird that i only have five days left of my freshman year in college. i actually feel kind of old.

i'm going outside to lay in the sun i'll continue this later with some real substance.

carousel.

this week and then next week then i'm done. my first year of college is over.

i don't want to get sappy about it because i've been fighting with this place since i got here.

but today i realized i might miss it a little bit.

whatever i'm terribly sick, i need a job, i have so much studying to do.

it will be a miracle if i live til next friday.

sometimes, new jersey.

i'm free from the downingtown boy. i dont really know what happened but it did. i've been attracting the jersey boys lately. and since that's where i grew up for the first 12 years of my life i feel like its one of them i should be with.

i'm just trying to love my life.

and send my old clothes off to heaven.

i'm lonley alot.

i know blue eyes get boring sometimes.

but i'll give you a thousand reasons that tonight; you should grant me this one wish.

"i don't ever want to see you again"

so the past week has been good i suppose.

thursday night i got really drunk and made out with this kid i've been talking to lately and now he's kind of blowing me off? whatever. i'm over it. not really but oh well i guess we'll see where it does. he's just really cute so whatEVERRRRRRRRR.

i'm really lonely right now. i'm still at school and all my friends left. i'm supposed to be going to downingtown this afternoon but now i'm told to go this evening at like 6. so it kind of sucks sitting around here all day without having anything to do. i got invited to kegs and eggs this morning but i know if i go i'll end up getting wasted and i won't be able to drive tonight haha.

so last night i was in my dorm hanging out with my friend andy and then i hear a knock on my door. it's my exboyfriend? first of all he doesn't live in my building, he's drunk, he can't give me a straight answer on how he got into the building or what exactly he's doing. it just really freaked me out cause he's been kind of creeping on me lately. and so i just started laughing cause it really was just ridiculous and then he yelled at me saying that i ruined his night and that i'm too difficult to talk to. he's the one who came to my room mind you.

i need to get out of this school why did i come here.

the bay area and back down.

i've been feeling very motivated today. i've read lots of articles on organic food for my argumentative paper, i've made a to-do list about all the shit i need to get done, i filled out my ticket appeal, i called my leasing office for next year that i've been putting off for weeks. i'm going to go look for a job on friday after class. i'm in dyer need of money, its the worst ever. my roommate is at her night class right now so i'm enjoying the peace and quiet and i can actually get work done without her fussing around.

back to work :(

all of the good that won't come out of me.

so i was in downingtown from tuesday til friday then i went home friday night cause i had a doctors appt. saturday morning. it was so beautiful on saturday! i hung out with jenna and kyle in peddlers village and took pictures of windmills and ponds. 

then i ended up going back down to downingtown..of course. so last night we rode around in the jeep with the roof and doors taken off. we went on a trip to wendys and it was really very peaceful. being out in the fresh air at night looking over the hills to the city and lights off in the distance, it was beautiful. especially since i was with two wonderful people.

today i went to brunch with max and his mom, brother, stepdad and brother ian. it was really nice i liked it. i felt very homey. then we went back to the house and put the jeep back together then we watched tv and layed in bed some more. i love my time there.

now another week til i can see him. i miss him too much. why do i miss people so easily?

it's such a big mistake lying here in your warm embrace.

my heart.

there are so many people that i miss. 

one i see tomorrow. 

one i see next week. 

i don't know who i miss more;

i know which 

one means more.

the west coast is to far.

i swear i'd treat you like a queen.

soo thursday was a little ridiculous. i got real drunk, i ended up in a making out three-some? with my exboyfriend close behind and bre's guy standing there too. yeah needless to say they weren't happy with that other boy who was kissing us. but chris is seriously freaking me out i've had enough of him. i'm glad he's going to be in colorado all week. he's becoming stalkerish exboyfriend like, it's creepy.

so my spring break has begun, it has been quite uneventful but relaxing i suppose. i've been doing alot of nothing. friday i was at my house and just hung out. 

saturday evening i went to downingtown to see max with lauren and kipp. we played pong as always and i smokeedddd oh no. it wasn't bad but it is very out of character for me, especially now i don't do that at all anymore! sunday morning, lauren and i made a trip to wawa for hoagies and then ate them with kitty cat crumbs. we all watched movies all day; pineapple express, some basketball movie, then after lauren and kipp left, max and i finished watching legally blonde and then some of van wilder. i was forced to leave because there was a snow storm coming, hence why i'm stuck in my house right now!

so friday i come home to find that my license suspension letter is in the mail and i was told by the court it would be gone for three months. i guess the court didn't know it was my second offense and i thought i was going to get off easy but the letter says its gone for 1 year. WHATEVERRRRRR i'm so over it i don't even care anymore i'm done.

focus on what's next.

my week is finally winding down! so so sooo happy! spring break starts tomorrow and i am very much looking forward to it. i'm glad all my tests for the week are finished and i have no more worries until march 10th again. i am studying some spanish right now though but i'm not too worried about it. after i'm done doing some homework i am packing up my stuff for the week and then heading out for the evening to my friends apt. 

tomorrow i have class at 11 and 1. that i am not looking forward to.

saturday will be wonderful. the end.

it's in me to want it all.

i've been studying for american government for literally what feels like forever. i'm thankful the test is tomorrow and i can have it done and over with. i'm excited to go out tomorrow night and get sloshed and then excited to be done on friday. after i'm done studying i need to pack, pack, pack! i'm a bit annoyed that i have to stay home friday night since my car has to go in for inspection on saturday morning. but then saturday night i'm going to downingtown!! boy!!! hopefully more in the mornings and amazings next week.

so can i ask you about the sleepless nights,

the cold shoulders-never returning phone calls,

constantly questioning our chemistry,

the look i'm used to you having,

you hold back all you feel,

and i expect this to come back to me.

in the morning and amazing.

i've been feeling really kind of lost lately. during the week i bury myself in school work so that i'm distracted and don't think about how lonely i really am. friday comes and i'm free again. spring break starts this friday so i'll be galavanting for the next week and a half. i want to have adventures. plus i'm really starting to get annoyed with my roommate so i'm happy i won't have to sleep in the same room with her for a while.

my weekend was fantastic. i layed in bed for 3 days with a fantastic guy. watched movies, drank beer, smoked cigarettes, loved life. things are getting better i think. i feel better atleast. i really do think that someone who makes me feel better is what i need all the time. it may not be the same person all the time and that's what bothers me. i know this will eventually end and he won't be the one who makes me happy anymore. i'll try not to think about that. all i think about now is the feeling i had waking up on monday morning at 11 am in his bed with him next to me, with the sunlight streaming in and the breeze blowing the curtains. everything was calm and everything was exactly how it should have been.

blink 182.

i haven't been happy lately. there are things that make me happy but shouldn't, this makes me even more unhappy. oh well blink 182 is reunited that has made me happy today.